thirty-six

posted on: Friday, June 14, 2013




Yesterday I turned 36 and I've spent the whole of my adulthood living a life that was not authentic to who I am. Now for the first time in a very long time I am at a place in my life where I have the opportunity to change the direction of my life. Opportunities like this can be liberating and terrifying at the same time. Change takes hard work, I can handle hard work but it also means taking chances and that is something I find terrifying. In fact this fear is what has kept me stuck in jobs I've hated and a life that was unfulfilling. Chances lead to possible failures and even though failure is scary it's the side effects that come with it that scare me more than failure itself. I worry about the things that could go wrong and the people that could be disappointed and that I could end up looking like a fool. (I know, I never said that my fears were rational but they are real and scary.) What if I'm wrong and what I think I want i don't really want. What if I suck, because let's be serious, this is possible. 

At this point I feel like a deer caught in the headlights; so many possibilities are out there that I’m stuck standing still from the overwhelmingness of it all. All of these things that I want to do involve stepping into unknown territory and it’s difficult to know where to start first. So I started with a wish. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, focused my intentions on the future, exhaled my fear of uncertainty, and blew out my birthday candle. Isn’t symbolism beautiful? The truth is it did help me to let go a little bit; 36 isn’t old by any means but it is about time I took control of my life. 

So here is to 36, to action, to making dreams come true instead of just dreaming, to facing my fears, my inhibitions, my insecurities. Here’s to a year (and hopefully many more) of true ambitious execution. 

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